The Problem With Functional Wanking

Man lying in the bed , watching porn on the tablet and masturbat

Ah, the functional wank. I wanted to write a quick blog post on the subject inspired by this post by Girl On The Net and to get a few things off my chest in this anonymous, internet based way. It’s cheaper than therapy and I don’t have to admit anything to anyone in person, too. So that’s a bonus.

I have a complicated relationship with wanking at the best of times but the functional wank is one of my least favourite forms of masturbation. I understand it has a primary, basic undeniable function which far surpasses logic, reason or thought but part of me is never truly satisfied after bringing myself to completion after a functional wank.

The functional wank can have a great many purposes. I’ve used it to help me sleep, negate tension before facing what I know might be a particular stressful situation or when I know there might be a prolonged period where sex (or other activities) may not be available due to health, relatives staying over, bereavement or anxiety within the relationship. So I’m not here to judge the functional wank at all.

Or maybe I should rephrase that. When I functionally wank I judge myself.

I have an amazing sex life with my partner but her ideal amount of sexual encounters within a day/week/month is less than mine. This leads to what I can only describe as a ‘build up’ of sexual tension within me. This is where the functional wank comes in to release the pressure, ‘clear the pipes’, ease stress and generally save the day.

Or at least it should.

The problem I have with functional wanking is that it feels just that, functional. I’m not doing it because something externally or internally has boosted my libido or I’m feeling particularly sexy. I’m not doing it because I’m in tune with my body’s wants and needs. I’m doing it because I’m an animal primarily motivated by drives beyond my rational control. This is what jars with me the most.

After a functional wank, when I’m lying covered in my own fluids and the sounds of porn are still echoing from my phone, I clean myself up and pull my underpants and jeans up and feel terrible about myself.

Terrible I haven’t got more self-control. Terrible I couldn’t wait for my partner and save my orgasms to share with her. Terrible I’m only doing it because she’s briefly out and the opportunity has presented itself. But, most of all, I feel terrible I haven’t used my time more productively.

My self-worth has always been tied into my productivity. It may well always be so. It’s what makes me work harder. Write another book. Practice whatever I’m currently doing harder. Complete another task better.

When my desire to wank overtakes everything with such force I find more time for it than anything else I always find myself asking ‘why can’t I direct this much energy into something more…useful. Why am I such a slave to my baser drives?’

I’m someone who prides themselves on having discipline. Discipline, I believe, can change your outlook, your current situation and eventually your reality. Because of this I try to practice meditation and mindfulness every day. Being aware of my current emotional/physical/spiritual state is difficult but it makes me feel more connected to myself and those around me.

When I am authentically aroused, mostly after writing a particularly hot scene in a book (yes our own writing makes us horny, it does for most writers-it’s just how egotistical we all are) or after something particularly sexy has happened in my life and I’m genuinely horny I have the best wanks. Often without any video porn. More often than not reading erotica or audio porn or nothing at all. My orgasms are better and there’s no guilt afterwards. There’s a feeling of ‘I did that because I wanted to. Not some base desire, not the chance that my partner just happens to be out and porn is available at the click of a button. I chose to do that.’

The functional wank robs me of that feeling of completeness and makes me feel lesser. Weaker. Guilty. Not enough. But it is something I continue to do.

Maybe one day my self-worth won’t be so attached to my use of time and the functional wank will seem like a fun way to pass the time. But, for now, it feels like something which takes away far more than it gives in terms of everything including pleasure, the most basic use for masturbation.

I don’t have a satisfying conclusion to this blog post, although I’ve tried hard to think of one. I’ve tried many different ways to discipline myself to need functional wanking and orgasms less but they always ultimately fail. Maybe that’s how this post ends. With an unsatisfying conclusion like that of a functional wank.

“Procrastination is like masturbation – you’re only screwing yourself!” – Unknown

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