Retired Sex Toys

ToysSo when clearing out your drawers, boxes, shelves or wherever you keep your old toys you will come across some you’ve not used in a while. Or you’ve only used once. Or they’ve broke and are in a very sorry state.

What to do with old sex toys? You can’t recycle them. You can’t give them to anyone as a present- “Hey this has been inside of me and gave me hours of fun! Your turn!” As far as I know there’s no drop off point (think ‘toys for adults’ charity boxes) and they’re a bit difficult to shred or burn.

So we just throw them out in the trash. Preferably hidden in some old towels, boxes or disguised underneath something lest the neighbours see our old novelties being tipped into the garbage truck.

All these thoughts were brought up recently when we had a ‘clear out’. We’ve still got a box, a small shelf space and a bedside drawer full of toys so we’re not suffering any sex toy shortages but there were some that just didn’t make the cut. Ten to be exact. I wanted to share with you all the reasons behind why certain ones didn’t make the grade and became destined to be scrapped. Please forgive the lack of focus in this picture. I’m blaming my phone and not the fact that my eyes were filled with tears and hands were shaking at having to say goodbye to number 4. Without further ado, let’s start at the start.

1. A very pretty glass dildo with coloured lumps on it.
My other half bought this as a surprise and ‘demonstrated’ it’s uses for a private show many moons ago. It’s super pretty, looking equal parts exotic art you’d buy on holiday, child’s project from school and some kind of prop from an amateur improv group. The bumps proved to be more ‘ouch’ than ‘yum’ so it’s not been used hardly since it’s debut. It’s not that it’s a bad toy, it’s just that we have better so never use it.

2. Excalibur!
At least, that’s what we called it. Slightly more use than number 1, and infinitely more fun to play sword fights with, Excalibur! (always with an exclamation mark) has been used in both single and double sessions (with the hilt disappearing somewhere inside of me). Again, super pretty with little flecks of glitter within it’s hard, clear plastic (not glass) shape it could have possibly lived on as ‘upcycled’ art with number 1.

3a (and 3b) Vibrating control units for now absent toys.
These were both the battery housing with on/off/selection button for toys we no longer own or prefer without the vibrating function. I think one was from one of those terrible butterfly type things that sit on your clit (or at least are supposed to) and the other is from a life like 6” dildo we still own but both prefer to use as a pretend ‘realistic’ cock substitute. The wire sticking out (and the fact it vibrated) kinda spoilt the illusion so the wire was cut, and the battery housing no longer needed.

4. Smooth, curved G-spot stimulating glass wand.
Sigh. Number 4, I think I’ll miss you the most. This is the toy to get if you want to learn how to squirt, ladies. It was used in a beautiful self-shot video my other half made for me in which she made herself squirt. It’s something she’d not managed to do before (or much since) and, in her words, it was ‘a lot of work’ to get herself there. I appreciated the effort as she’s more of a ‘functional quickie’ kinda person when it comes to self-love and it made one seriously hot video.
Sadly, number 4 was purchased when I was with a previous partner (where it also had some extraordinary use as ‘best prop in cinematography’) and, although she enjoyed using it, my current said she had mixed feelings that it had been inside someone else. I respect her wishes which is why number 4 has journeyed to the scrap heap of sex toys but it was one of my favourite sex toys to use with a partner. Temperature play, completely clear so you can see everything when inserting it, the weight and feel of it in your hand and the fact it just looks simple, elegant and sophisticated means number 4 will be missed.

5. This was a ‘prostate massaging’ butt plug I treat myself to.
Very disappointing. Doesn’t hit anywhere near the prostate no matter how you insert/spin/manoeuvre it. Also won’t stay in whilst doing other things (household chores, work, typing, fucking etc) like the other butt plugs we own which I enjoy using for a super long teasing session and to let my other half know I’m feeling submissive. Get in the sea number 5!

6. Triple headed rabbit dildo affectionately named ‘Brendan’.
The strange design of this rabbit has an Egyptian theme to it, hence the name Brendan. As in Brendan Fraser of ‘The Mummy’ fame. This toy probably had the most use out of all of the toys currently being discarded, aside from the anal part after my other half went off any back door action years ago, but has since been replaced by a more traditional rabbit which charges from USB and is now my partner’s ‘go-to’ toy of choice every time. No small claim from someone who’s not a particularly keen masturbator. This new toy meant Brendan is to be encased in a small pyramid of rubbish waiting to be discovered by an ambitious seagull at a landfill site who’s not afraid of Egyptian curses. Or scared of the fact that every little ridge, crevice, crook and cranny collected difficult to clean fluids every time it was used. Every. Time.

7. Red, smooth, curved dildo which came with the old strap on harness we used to use.
This one isn’t necessarily a bad toy, we just have better now. It’s tapered shape is great for anal play and it hits all the right spots but it’s smooth exterior doesn’t provide as much stimulation as a ribbed or realistic dildo covered with veins. One note of warning-because of it’s smooth surface it can be a bit too easy to take too much inside of you too early. Resulting in more of a ‘woah, steady!’ than ‘yay, fun!’

8. Anal Bead wand.
Again, this was a gift from my better half (isn’t she good to me?) I love anal beads. We don’t use them nearly as often as I’d like (and my partner doesn’t like any type of beads at all) but when they’re pulled out at exactly the right time during orgasm…mind blowing. These beads aren’t as good as the basic type due to the fact there’s less of a ‘bulge’ in between knots. This means the exquisite feeling of being stretched open and closed as they enter/exit you is somewhat diminished. Hence the binning.

9. Teasing feather.
Look at it, it’s had better days. Being stuck next to other plastic, silicone and other material toys has kinda destroyed this one. It’s not like we used it much anyway and I think it just made my partner sad thinking some poor bird was wandering around missing one of their feathers and asking the question “They’re using it for what?” Fly free number 9.

10. Red Plastic PVC waterproof sheet.
That’s right! The background for the condemned sex toys is a sex toy itself! (kinda) It was purchased for ‘watersports adventures’ such as kayaking, fishing, canoeing. Only we don’t do any of that so the regular ‘kinky’ type of watersports action was all this sheet has seen. And it was only used once when we realised everything kind of pools onto the sheet and you’re left with some messy cleaning up to do which will really take you down from your sex high. After that incident all kinky pee play was relegated to the bathroom and the sheet became a backing for our cardboard ‘sex box’.

What toys has everyone else had to throw away? Any specific reasons or decisions to be made or more of a ‘this one’s broken and there’s a better one out now’ situation?

Toy stories change as you get older…toys called Buzz and Woody mean something totally different to an adult…

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