“Take your trousers down behind the curtain and then pop up on the bed and we’ll have a look.” Words we’ve probably all heard. I imagine if you’re female you’ve heard them even more. My trip to the doc was to get a small, persistent anal fissure checked out. It’s not too bad but like a bad penny it keeps turning up. So I relented to my partners request and went and took a trip to the doc.
She was a lovely, slightly timid, mousy woman. Not unattractive but not my type. I hopped up on the table and pulled everything down slightly, just enough to reveal my bum, and she began checking around. So far so good, nothing wrong down there and nothing weird.
She then asked if she could check internally and I consented, hoping it would help get to the ‘bottom’ of things (pun maybe intended?) and wasn’t too nervous as my ass has accepted things much larger than a finger in its hedonistic past. What happened next was a little strange.
She slid a lubed up finger inside of me and somehow managed to hit the exact right ‘spot’ for me. My balls immediately pulled upwards toward my body and signals of pleasure rushed to my brain from the area. There was an internal fight between “this is uncomfortable and I can’t wait for it to be over” and “holy shit that feels good!”. I would like to say it was overall pleasurable but the experience was more confusing than anything. Somehow I felt violated. Not by the doctor, but by my own body. It was making me feel things I shouldn’t. Things I didn’t want to at that moment. I managed to continue talking to her throughout the examination and she didn’t find anything untoward. I left with a prescription and bewildering feelings.
I was lucky enough to have seen this amazing TED talk on ‘arousal non-concordance’ a few months ago so I knew what had just happened but it still didn’t make it any less disconcerting. Knowing something and experiencing it are always two separate issues.
I love the fact that I can talk about anything with my partner and I told her. She listened, she sympathised but didn’t push anything. It’s why I love her. I remained a bit freaked out the rest of the day but didn’t want to do anything sexual as the “that was weird” side of me was definitely stronger than the “that was fun” side.
The next morning, when fooling around, I asked her to recreate the situation-me lying on my side as a finger probed my ass. I explained why I wanted to do it, she immediately agreed and she set about doing just that as I wanked myself silly until I’d left an unsightly patch of cum on the bed in front of me.
I told her I wanted to do it as I didn’t want my ass to become some kind of confusing area, attached to strange feelings rather than pleasurable ones. God knows enough guys think that’s its ‘gay’ to enjoy any kind of ass-play. I don’t need to go throwing extra strange half-medical fetishes in the mix that my mind has to deal with.
I feel so lucky that I have an amazing an understanding partner who helped me ‘get back on the horse’ so quickly and avoid months/years/decades of therapy that some people must have to go through who have had much worse experiences than me.
That’s all I wanted to say with this post-the human body is strange and can make you feel things even when you don’t want to. I urge anyone who’s experienced anything similar to watch the TED talk or visit Emily Nagoski’s amazing site and, where possible get professional help. And talk! If you can tell your partner/best friend/confidant/whoever what happened they might be able to relate. And you might feel a little less strange, a little more empowered or able to take steps to get back to where you were.
Genital response means it’s a sex-related stimulus. It doesn’t always mean it was wanted or liked.